卡桑德拉｜Cassandra

Posted 2021-07-25 费话连翩

习作

卡桑德拉

早上醒来，看见神龛里多了一个小小的牌位。他们把他放在了祖宗的旁边，把他一直带着的坠子放在牌子上。挂坠是从新西兰买回来的，小玉石的船锚，让我想起自由----艾伦从不是自由的，但他是快乐的，那是他独有的，蠢狗的快乐。

妈妈说我再长高的话，就要把神龛往上挪了。

我的头疼的发裂，大概昨天晚上哭猛了，眼泪从眼眶灌进了脑子。我想就是真这样也无所谓，毕竟活着就是受苦。我不介意。

我不介意失去，但我介意人们在我失去的时候依旧快乐。可这是万圣节。

到底为什么万圣节和女巫有关呢？我的家人自然而然的就这样联想了。爸爸妈妈都没成为术师，但他们觉得万圣节很契合家庭氛围，而祖母呢，就放任他们这样乱搞一气----他们把这天订做团圆日的时候，她只是在一边微笑着。我祈祷爸爸妈妈想万圣节的时候想的不是闹鬼的房间和昏暗的餐桌，正如我祈祷自己永远也不会知道祖母如何从杀伐决断的女巫（狡猾邪恶残忍而暴躁，表哥们这样形容）变成一位和蔼的老婆婆。

我从祖母手上接过了她的手艺，她的名声，倒并没有因此觉得背负很多。爸爸妈妈都觉得成为女巫本身已经足够酷了，而我一点他妈不在乎学院的老师同学都是怎么评价我的——他们总是把祖母挂在嘴边，和我说话的时候也是。久而久之无论谁看向我我都会马上走开，如果被我听见谁谈论我的家人，我就半夜爬到他家院子里，把所有的树都变成金鱼。他们任何的指责和赞扬，对现在的我都是空气。

艾伦是我唯一的伙计。我宁愿自己是被车压死的那个。说到底这有什么区别。

妈妈正在厨房炸着鸡蛋和薄饼。她问起想不想吃东西，告诉我中午爸爸和亲戚们会过来。那小心翼翼格外温柔的神态让人愈发不适。我觉得很累，只是点头。

爸爸妈妈都没在饭桌上提起艾伦。舅舅姨姨表哥表弟，还有不知道哪里出来的小屁孩多半都知道我们家养了狗，毕竟妈妈把分享鸡毛蒜皮当作维系家庭关系的必要之举，但没有人问起艾伦。我只有耷拉着嘴角坐在角落，喝随便什么人递给我的一杯又一杯啤酒。淡的跟水似的玩意儿。五点左右的时候我实在忍不了了，也喝了太多的酒。我说我要去厕所，就众目睽睽下走出了门。没有人拦我。

出去的时候，街上已经满是穿的鬼一样的走来走去的小孩子。让人不禁想起游学时去的墓地里密密麻麻的僵尸——我们那一整天就只是在消灭它们。行人和僵尸真的没什么不同，要是你见过未被打扰前的僵尸，你就明白为什么了。我把向我讨糖的小孩脸上的面具变成了一只真真正正的蝙蝠，然后在他的尖叫声中消失。

无处可以哀悼，甚至无处可以静静地思考死亡究竟他妈意味着什么。今天本该是死者的日子。

我用追踪魔法定位了撞死艾伦的车，一路追到了那家人的车库。确认好是同一辆后，去敲了门。

“不给糖就捣乱！”

一个留着可笑的胡子的男人为我开了门，他脸上残留淡淡的笑容。房间里是暖黄色灯光，大概是他的孩子们，正在身后清点自己的战利品。

在他打算给我巧克力之前，我把魔杖对准了他的脸。

“以艾柯吕斯之名，我夺走你所有的眼泪和悲哀。”

仅仅为了维持礼貌，我又加了一句：“万圣节快乐，先生。”

他开始有些吓到了，继而发出干瘪但并非不友好的笑声。我猜他该是把这看做了一个友好的万圣笑话之类的。哈哈。

可我夺走的是你之后的悲哀，不是你的苦难，这该死的白痴。

完

Cassandra

I woke up this morning seeing a little tablet next to all that of our ancestors in the shrine in our house. I remember being a kid and have to stand on my toes to have a peek inside. Now I can see it head up as I come out of my room. If I continue to grow taller ma said she’d have to move the shrine upward.

They’d put the little pendant on the tablet of Allen’s, which he has on his neck ever since I bought it back from a trip to New Zealand. It’s a little jade in a shape of an anchor, reminds me of freedom for no reason. Allen was never free, but he was happy, in his own doggish silly ways.

My head aches like hell, might have cried too hard last night and got some of the tears back-flowed through my eye socket into my brain. But It was fine cause to live is to tack in pain.

I can bear the loss. What I can’t bear was to see anyone smiling when I am at loss. But it's Halloween.

I never get why this day has anything to do with witches. But my family seems to take it for granted. Neither parents of mine became a witch or wizard, but they seem to see Halloween as a fit to our family’s atmosphere and grandma just let them be. She smiled kindly as they decide this day as the day of family reunion and did not speaks any opposition. I hope ma and pa weren’t thinking of hunted house and candle-lit dark dinner table as they thought of Halloween as much as I hope I would never know what transform grandma from a bitch of a witch (cunning and bad and cruel and anguish and all that from what I’d heard from my uncles) to a kind old lady.

I took over grandma’s passion and legacy, including her name. There wasn’t much pressure cause my parents think it badass to become a witch and I care no fucks about my teachers and classmates at the academy who always have grandma all over their mouth whenever they talk to me. I grew tired of their accuses and praises, I just walk away whenever anyone turns their face towards me and I break into their yards and change all their threes into giant goldfish if I heard anyone speaks of my family or me.

Allen was my only pal. I’d rather I was the one who got run over by a car. What’s the point anyway.

Ma was in the kitchen, frying eggs and pancakes as I walked in. The way she spoke so soft and careful as she asked if I want to eat anything and told me that papa and all the relatives are coming back at noon made it even more unbearable. I just nodded, feeling tired already.

Neither Ma nor Pa brought up Allen on the table. My uncles and aunts and nephews and cousins and kids I don’t even know existed probably all know we have a dog since ma was keen on sharing details to “bond the family closer,” but none of them asked of him too. I set with the corners of my mouth down and kept taking the bear handed to me by whomever. They were so light they taste almost like water. By 5 o’clock I cannot take it anymore and have drunk too many bears. I said I’d go to the washroom but headed outdoor in plain sight. Nobody stopped me.

There are already kids dressing up like nightmares all over the street. Really reminds me of that school trip in which we went to a graveyard and fought zombies the whole day. People are no different than zombies when they walk past on streets, you’d believe me if only you’ve seen what the zombies in the graveyard were like before we disturbed them. I turn the mask of the kid coming treat-or-trick me into a bat and vanished Infront of him.

There’s no place to grieve. No place to think quietly of what death even means. On the festival of the deceased.

I used tracker magic to track down the car that runs over Allen. I followed it to a house with a garage, confirmed the car, and knock on the front door.

“Trick or treat!”

A man with ridiculous beard opened up. He was smiling. The house is lit in warm yellow lights, and I think it’s his kids sitting around the table, counting their trophies.

Before he can offer me chocolate, I pointed my wand at his nose.

“By the name of the great Achlys I here from take away all your tears and your griefs.”

And I said “Happy Halloween, sir.” to keep my politeness present.

He looked stunned at first but gives me a burst of dry but not unfriendly laughter after hearing what I said. I think he took it as a friendly Halloween joke.

I took away your future griefs, not your losses, u fucking moron.