拒绝+启示+TED+被拒的100天+What I learned from 100 days of rejection

Posted 2021-06-29 Data+Science+Insight

拒绝+启示+TED+被拒的100天+What I learned from 100 days of rejection

 

你是否也有碰壁恐惧症

 

When I was six years old, I received my gifts. My first grade teacher had this brilliant idea. She wanted us to experience receiving gifts but also learning the virtue of complimenting each other. So she had all of us come to the front of the classroom, and she bought all of us gifts and stacked them in the corner. And she said, "Why don't we just stand here and compliment each other? If you hear your name called, go and pick up your gift and sit down." What a wonderful idea, right? What could go wrong?

当我6岁的时候， 我收到了份礼物。 我一年级的老师有一个很棒的主意。 她想让我们在接受礼物的同时 还能学习如何表扬他人。 所以她让我们走到教室前面， 她给我们每个人带了礼物，堆在墙角。 然后她说：“让我们在这里互相表扬吧。 如果你听到有谁表扬你， 就去拿一份礼物然后回座位。” 多棒的主意，对吗？ 能出什么差错呢？

Well, there were 40 of us to start with, and every time I heard someone's name called, I would give out the heartiest cheer. And then there were 20 people left, and 10 people left, and five left ... and three left. And I was one of them. And the compliments stopped. Well, at that moment, I was crying. And the teacher was freaking out. She was like, "Hey, would anyone say anything nice about these people?"

"No one? OK, why don't you go get your gift and sit down. So behave next year -- someone might say something nice about you."

我们一共有40个孩子， 每一次别人被叫到名字， 我都会很高兴的叫好。 然后剩下20个人， 然后10个人， 5个人…… 最后剩下了3个人。 而我是其中一个。 再也没有表扬了。 就在那时，我开始哭。 老师也不知所措。 她说：“嘿，有没有人愿意表扬一下这些同学？” “没有吗？好吧。那你们去拿一份礼物然后回座位吧。 明年要好好表现哦， 说不定会有人表扬你。”

Well, as I'm describing this you, you probably know I remember this really well.

But I don't know who felt worse that day. Was it me or the teacher? She must have realized that she turned a team-building event into a public roast for three six-year-olds. And without the humor. You know, when you see people get roasted on TV, it was funny. There was nothing funny about that day.

So that was one version of me, and I would die to avoid being in that situation again -- to get rejected in public again. That's one version.

你看我记得如此清楚， 因为这是我心里永远的痛。 （笑声） 但我不知道当天谁的感觉更糟糕， 我还是我的老师？ 她一定意识到自己把一个团队建设活动变成了3个6岁孩子的尴尬时刻。 而且这种尴尬一点都不好笑。 电视上演的那些尴尬时刻， 非常好笑。 但那天一点都不好笑。 所以那是一个版本的我， 我死也不要再次经历这种事情—— 在众目睽睽下被拒绝。 这是一个版本。

Then fast-forward eight years. Bill Gates came to my hometown -- Beijing, China -- to speak, and I saw his message. I fell in love with that guy. I thought, wow,I know what I want to do now. That night I wrote a letter to my family telling them: "By age 25, I will build the biggest company in the world, and that company will buy Microsoft."

I totally embraced this idea of conquering the world -- domination, right? And I didn't make this up, I did write that letter. And here it is --

You don't have to read this through --

This is also bad handwriting, but I did highlight some key words. You get the idea.

So ... that was another version of me: one who will conquer the world.

时间快进8年。 比尔·盖茨来到我的家乡 ——中国北京—— 做演讲。 我看了他的演讲， 就被他深深迷住了。 我想，哇，我找到了人生目标。 当天晚上我给家人写了一封信， 信上说，“在25岁之前， 我要打造一个世界上最大的公司， 而这家公司会买下微软。” （笑声） 我向他真心学到了征服世界的想法， 统治世界，对吧。 我没骗你们，我真的写了信。 就是这封—— （笑声） 你没必要看懂中文， （笑声） 字也写得不好看，但我划出了一些重点词。 你们就明白了。 （笑声） 所以…… 这是另一个版本的我， 一个想要征服世界的我。

Well, then two years later, I was presented with the opportunity to come to the United States. I jumped on it, because that was where Bill Gates lived, right?

I thought that was the start of my entrepreneur journey. Then, fast-forward another 14 years. I was 30. Nope, I didn't build that company. I didn't even start. I was actually a marketing manager for a Fortune 500 company. And I felt I was stuck; I was stagnant. Why is that? Where is that 14-year-old who wrote that letter? It's not because he didn't try. It's because every time I had a new idea, every time I wanted to try something new, even at work -- I wanted to make a proposal, I wanted to speak up in front of people in a group -- I felt there was this constant battle between the 14-year-old and the six-year-old. One wanted to conquer the world -- make a difference -- another was afraid of rejection. And every time that six-year-old won.

时间又过了两年， 我得到了一个来美国的机会， 我抓住了它， 因为这可是比尔·盖茨的故乡啊，对吧？ （笑声） 当时我觉得这会是我创业生涯的开始。 然后，再快进14年， 我三十岁了。 我并没有成立那家公司。 甚至没有开始。 而是成为了一家500强企业里一个平凡的市场经理。 我感觉我卡住了， 停滞不前。 为什么呢？ 那个写信的14岁孩子去哪了？ 不是因为他没有尝试。 而是因为每次我有了新的主意， 每次我想尝试一些新的东西， 甚至在工作的时候—— 我想提出一个方案， 我想在一群人面前讲话—— 我感觉6岁的我和14岁的我之间 一直在斗争。 一个想征服世界， 改变现况， 另一个却害怕被拒绝。 然而每次那个6岁的我都赢了。

And this fear even persisted after I started my own company. I mean, I started my own company when I was 30 -- if you want to be Bill Gates, you've got to start sooner or later, right? When I was an entrepreneur, I was presented with an investment opportunity, and then I was turned down. And that rejection hurt me. It hurt me so bad that I wanted to quit right there. But then I thought, hey, would Bill Gates quit after a simple investment rejection? Would any successful entrepreneur quit like that? No way. And this is where it clicked for me. OK, I can build a better company. I can build a better team or better product, but one thing for sure: I've got to be a better leader. I've got to be a better person. I cannot let that six-year-old keep dictating my life anymore. I have to put him back in his place.

So this is where I went online and looked for help. Google was my friend.

这个惧怕甚至持续到我开了自己的公司。 我在30岁的时候成立了我的公司， 如果你想成为比尔·盖茨， 迟早要踏出第一步，对吗？当我开始创业后不久， 遇见了一个被投资的机会， 但是我最终被拒绝了， 那次拒绝伤害了我。 严重到我想当场放弃。 但是我想， 嘿，比尔·盖茨会在一次投资被拒后就放弃吗？ 任何成功的创业人会像那样放弃吗？ 当然不。 我突然间恍然大悟。 我能创立一个更好的公司。 我能建立更好的团队，开发更好的产品， 但有一件事是必须的： 我要成为一个更好的领导者， 成为一个更好的人。 我不能让那个6岁的我继续支配我的生活。 我要战胜他。 所以我上网寻求帮助。 谷歌是我的朋友。

I searched, "How do I overcome the fear of rejection?" I came up with a bunch of psychology articles about where the fear and pain are coming from. Then I came up with a bunch of "rah-rah" inspirational articles about "Don't take it personally, just overcome it." Who doesn't know that?

But why was I still so scared? Then I found this website by luck. It's called rejectiontherapy.com.

"Rejection Therapy" was this game invented by this Canadian entrepreneur. His name is Jason Comely. And basically the idea is for 30 days you go out and look for rejection, and every day get rejected at something, and then by the end,you desensitize yourself from the pain. And I loved that idea.

我搜索：“怎么克服被拒绝的恐惧？” 跳出了很多心理学文章， 关于恐惧和痛苦的来源。 然后是一些励志的文章 关于“不要太在意，克服就好。” 废话，地球人都知道好吗。 （笑声） 但为什么我还是很害怕？ 然后我意外找到了这个网站， 叫做 RejectionTherapy.com(被拒治疗法) （笑声） “被拒治疗法”是加拿大一个创业者发明的游戏， 他叫杰森·康利。 游戏很简单，你出门找拒绝，持续30天， 每天都主动找人因某些事拒绝你， 最后，你对被拒绝就会感到麻木了。 我太爱这个主意了。

I said, "You know what? I'm going to do this. And I'll feel myself getting rejected 100 days." And I came up with my own rejection ideas, and I made a video blog out of it.

And so here's what I did. This is what the blog looked like. Day One ...

Borrow 100 dollars from a stranger. So this is where I went to where I was working. I came downstairs and I saw this big guy sitting behind a desk. He looked like a security guard. So I just approached him. And I was just walking and that was the longest walk of my life -- hair on the back of my neck standing up, I was sweating and my heart was pounding. And I got there and said, "Hey, sir, can I borrow 100 dollars from you?"

我说：“好吧。我就这么干。 我要让自己被拒绝100天而且把情景录制下来。” 我要自己想象出被拒绝的注意， 还为此创建了视频博客。 这就是我做的。 这就是那个博客。 第一天…… （笑声） 向一个陌生人借100美金。 所以我来到公司， 我走下楼， 看见桌子后面坐着一个壮汉。 可能是保安吧。 所以我接近他， 我走向他， 简直是我人生中最漫长一段路， 我觉得脖子后面的汗毛都竖起来了， 手心都是汗，心怦怦直跳。 我走到他面前， 说：“先生你好，我能向你借100美金吗？”

And he looked up, he's like, "No." "Why?"

And I just said, "No? I'm sorry." Then I turned around, and I just ran.

I felt so embarrassed. But because I filmed myself -- so that night I was watching myself getting rejected, I just saw how scared I was. I looked like this kid in "The Sixth Sense." I saw dead people.

But then I saw this guy. You know, he wasn't that menacing. He was a chubby, loveable guy, and he even asked me, "Why?" In fact, he invited me to explain myself. And I could've said many things. I could've explained, I could've negotiated. I didn't do any of that. All I did was run. I felt, wow, this is likea microcosm of my life. Every time I felt the slightest rejection, I would just run as fast as I could. And you know what? The next day, no matter what happens, I'm not going to run. I'll stay engaged.

他抬起头，说：“不行。 为什么？” 我说：“不行吗？真不好意思。” 然后我转身就逃了。 （笑声） 我感觉非常尴尬。 但是因为我录下了这段经历， 所以那天晚上，我重看了一遍被拒绝的过程， 我看到了自己有多害怕。 像是《灵异第六感》里的孩子， 看见死人一样害怕。 （笑声） 但我又看了看那个人， 他并没有那么可怕。 看起来胖乎乎的，很可爱， 他甚至还问我，“为什么”。 事实上，他给了我解释的机会， 我本来可以说很多。 我可以解释，可以交涉。 但我什么都没做， 我只是逃走了。 我觉得，哇，这简直就是我人生的缩影。 每次我遇到一点小小的拒绝， 我就撒腿就跑。于是我决定了， 第二天，不管发生了什么， 我都不会逃跑。 我会继续交涉。

Day Two: Request a "burger refill."

It's when I went to a burger joint, I finished lunch, and I went to the cashier and said, "Hi, can I get a burger refill?"

He was all confused, like, "What's a burger refill?"

I said, "Well, it's just likea drink refill but with a burger." And he said, "Sorry,we don't do burger refill, man."

So this is where rejection happenedand I could have run, but I stayed. I said, "Well, I love your burgers, I love your joint, and if you guys do a burger refill, I will love you guys more."

And he said, "Well, OK,I'll tell my manager about it, and maybe we'll do it,but sorry, we can't do this today." Then I left. And by the way, I don't think they'veever done burger refill.

I think they're still there. But the life and death feelingI was feeling the first time was no longer there, just because I stayed engaged -- because I didn't run. I said, "Wow, great,I'm already learning things. Great."

第二天：请求一个“汉堡续杯” （笑声） 我来到一家汉堡店， 吃完午餐，走向收银员，说： “你好，我能来一个汉堡续杯吗？” （笑声） 他非常疑惑，“什么是汉堡续杯？” （笑声） 我说：“就像饮料续杯啊，只是换成汉堡。” 他说：“不好意思，哥们儿，我们没有汉堡续杯。” （笑声） 所以我被拒绝了，我本可以逃跑，但我没有。 我说：“我超爱你们的汉堡， 超爱你们的店， 如果你们能做汉堡续杯， 我会爱死你们的。” （笑声） 然后他说：“好吧，我会向经理汇报的， 以后可能会有这项服务，但抱歉，今天实在没有办法。” 然后我走了。 顺便说一句， 我觉得他们不会推出汉堡续杯服务的。 （笑声） 他们的店还没倒闭。 但第一天那种紧张到死的感觉， 已经没有了， 仅仅因为我留了来交涉， 没有逃跑。 我说：“哇，好棒，我已经有所长进了， 真的很不错。”

And then Day Three:Getting Olympic Doughnuts. This is where my life was turned upside down. I went to a Krispy Kreme. It's a doughnut shop in mainly the Southeastern partof the United States. I'm sure they have some here, too. And I went in, I said, "Can you make me doughnutsthat look like Olympic symbols? Basically, you interlink five doughnuts together ... " I mean there's no waythey could say yes, right? The doughnut maker took me so seriously.

So she put out paper, started jotting down the colors and the rings, and is like, "How can I make this?" And then 15 minutes later, she came out with a boxthat looked like Olympic rings. And I was so touched. I just couldn't believe it. And that video got over five million views on Youtube. The world couldn't believe that either.

You know, because of thatI was in newspapers, in talk shows, in everything. And I became famous.

第三天：索要奥林匹克甜甜圈。 我的人生从此开始被颠覆。 我去了“卡卡圈坊”， 一家卖甜甜圈的店， 主要分布在美国的东南部。 当然这里应该也有。 我走进店里，说： “你能为我做一些长得像奥林匹克标志的甜甜圈吗？ 就是把五个甜甜圈连起来……” 按理来说他们不可能答应，对吧？ 但那个做甜甜圈的特别重视我的要求！ （笑声） 她居然拿出一张纸， 记下颜色和排列， 思考该怎么制作。 15分钟后， 她拿着一盒奥运五环甜甜圈出来了。 我感动极了， 简直难以置信。 这个视频在Youtube上获得了超过5百万的浏览量。 看来整个世界也无法相信。 （笑声） 因为这件事，我上了报纸， 参加脱口秀，可忙了。 我出名了。

A lot of people started writing emails to me and saying, "What you're doing is awesome." But you know, fame and notoriety did not do anything to me. What I really wanted to do was learn, and to change myself. So I turned the rest of my 100 days of rejection into this playground -- into this research project. I wanted to see what I could learn.

And then I learned a lot of things. I discovered so many secrets. For example, I found if I just don't run, if I got rejected, I could actually turn a "no" into a "yes," and the magic word is, "why."

So one day I went to a stranger's house,I had this flower in my hand, knocked on the door and said, "Hey, can I plant this flowerin your backyard?"

And he said, "No." But before he could leave I said, "Hey, can I know why?" And he said, "Well, I have this dog that would dig upanything I put in the backyard. I don't want to waste your flower. If you want to do this,go across the street and talk to Connie. She loves flowers." So that's what I did. I went across and knockedon Connie's door. And she was so happy to see me.

And then half an hour later, there was this flower in Connie's backyard. I'm sure it looks better now.

很多人开始给我写邮件 说：“你做的事情太棒了。” 但知名度并不是我想要的。 我真正想要的是学习， 和改变自己。 所以我把“被拒100天”剩下的经历 变成了个人游乐场， 变成了研究项目。 想看看我能学到什么。 我学到了很多事情， 我发现了很多秘密。 比如，我发现只要我在遭到拒绝后， 不逃之夭夭， 我可以把“不行”变成“行”， 秘诀就是问对方“为什么” 有一天，我去一个陌生人家，捧着一束花， 敲他的门， 问：“嘿，我能把这束花种在你家后院吗？” （笑声） 然后他说：“不行。” 在他关门之前，我说： ”嘿，你能告诉我为什么吗？“ 他说：“我有一只狗， 它会把后院所有东西都刨出来。 我不想浪费你的鲜花。 如果你想种花，你可以到街对面，问问康妮， 她超爱花的。” 我照做了。 我穿过马路，敲开妮家的门。 她看到我可开心了。 （笑声） 一个半小时后， 我的花就种在了康妮的院子里。 我保证，它现在比这要美多了。

But had I left after the initial rejection, I would've thought, well, it's because the guy didn't trust me, it's because I was crazy, because I didn't dress up well, I didn't look good. It was none of those. It was because what I offereddid not fit what he wanted. And he trusted me enoughto offer me a referral, using a sales term. I converted a referral.

Then one day -- and I also learned that I canactually say certain things and maximize my chance to get a yes. So for example,one day I went to a Starbucks, and asked the manager,"Hey, can I be a Starbucks greeter?" He was like, "What's a Starbucks greeter?" I said, "Do you know those Walmart greeters? You know, those people who say 'hi' to you before you walk in the store, and make sure you don't steal stuff, basically? I want to give a Walmart experience to Starbucks customers."

Well, I'm not sure that's a good thing, actually -- Actually, I'm pretty sureit's a bad thing. And he was like, "Oh" -- yeah, this is how he looked, his name is Eric -- and he was like, "I'm not sure." This is how he was hearing me. "Not sure." Then I ask him, "Is that weird?" He's like, "Yeah, it's really weird, man." But as soon as he said that,his whole demeanor changed. It's as if he's puttingall the doubt on the floor. And he said, "Yeah, you can do this, just don't get too weird."

So for the next hourI was the Starbucks greeter. I said "hi" to every customerthat walked in, and gave them holiday cheers. By the way, I don't knowwhat your career trajectory is, don't be a greeter.

如果我在被拒后选择离开， 我可能会想， 也许那个人不相信我， 因为我的要求很疯狂， 可能因为我穿得不好，看上去不怎么样。 结果都不是。 仅仅因为我提供的不是他想要的。 他其实很信任我，还给我推荐了别人， 用销售的行话来说， 我完成了一次转交处理。 然后有一天—— 我又学到一招，我可以通过表述一些确定的事情， 增加我的提议被接受的可能性。 比如，有一天我走进一家星巴克， 问经理，“我能成为星巴克迎宾员吗？” 他问：”什么是星巴克迎宾员？“ 我说：“你知道沃尔玛迎宾员吗？ 就是那些在你进店前，跟你打招呼， 然后盯着你在店里别偷东西的人？ 我想给星巴克顾客带来沃尔玛式的体验。” 我不确定这种体验好不好， 实际上应该肯定不好。 然后他说：“哦，” 没错，就是他，他叫埃里克， 他说：“我不确定。” 这就是当时他的表情，“我不确定。” 然后我问他，“这很奇怪吗？” 他说：“没错，哥们儿，很奇怪。” 但是在他说完之后，他的整个举止就变了。 像是这事儿提出来后他就把怀疑全倒干净了。 他说：“好吧，你做吧， 但希望你别太奇怪了。” 所以接下来的一个小时，我成为了星巴克迎宾员。 我对每一个进门的顾客说“你好”， 祝他们节日快乐。

It was really boring. But then I found I could do this because I mentioned, "Is that weird?" I mentioned the doubt that he was having. And because I mentioned, "Is that weird?",that means I wasn't weird. That means I was actuallythinking just like him, seeing this as a weird thing. And again, and again, I learned that if I mentionsome doubt people might have before I ask the question, I gained their trust. People were more likely to say yes to me.

And then I learnedI could fulfill my life dream ... by asking. You know, I camefrom four generations of teachers, and my grandma has always told me, "Hey Jia, you can do anything you want, but it'd be greatif you became a teacher."

But I wanted to bean entrepreneur, so I didn't. But it has always been my dreamto actually teach something. So I said, "What if I just ask and teach a college class?" I lived in Austin at the time, so I went to Universityof Texas at Austin and knocked on professors' doorsand said, "Can I teach your class?" I didn't get anywherethe first couple of times. But because I didn't run --I kept doing it -- and on the third trythe professor was very impressed. He was like, "No onehas done this before." And I came in preparedwith powerpoints and my lesson. He said, "Wow, I can use this. Why don't you come back in two months?I'll fit you in my curriculum." And two months laterI was teaching a class.

This is me -- you probably can't see,this is a bad picture. You know, sometimes you getrejected by lighting, you know?

顺便提一句，我不知道你们的职业规划是什么， 千万不要当迎宾员。 真的很无聊。

但后来我发现，我之所以能成功，是因为我提到了“这很奇怪吗？” 我提出了他心里的疑问。 正因为我问了“这很奇怪吗”，恰恰意味着我不奇怪。 这意味着我跟他想的一样， 也觉得这事儿很奇怪。 就这样一次又一次， 我体会到，如果在我提出自己的要求之前， 我能说出对方心里的疑问， 我就能赢得他们的信任。 他们也更有可能答应我的要求。 然后我明白了，要想实现人生理想， 只要开口。 我家四代都是老师， 我的奶奶一直跟我说， “阿甲（我的小名），你可以做任何你想做的事情， 但最好还是当老师。” （笑声） 但我的理想是创业，所以我没当老师。 但是给人讲课却一直是我的梦想。 所以我想：“如果我直接 请求去大学教一堂课呢？” 当时我住在奥斯汀， 所以我去了德州大学奥斯汀分校， 敲教授的门，问“我可以教您的课吗？” 开始几次我没有成功， 但我没有逃，不停去尝试， 到了第3次，教授被打动了。 他说：“从没有人做过这事。” 我来之前就已经准备好幻灯片和课程。 他说：“哇，我真的能用上这些。 你两个月后过来吧，我把你加到我的课表里。” 两个月后，我去教了一堂课。 这是我——你可能看不清楚，照片拍得不好。 有的时候连光线都拒绝你，对吗？

But wow -- when I finished teaching that class,I walked out crying, because I thought I could fulfill my life dreamjust by simply asking. I used to think I have to accomplishall these things -- have to be a great entrepreneur,or get a PhD to teach -- but no, I just asked, and I could teach.

And in that picture,which you can't see, I quoted Martin Luther King, Jr. Why? Because in my research I foundthat people who really change the world, who change the way we liveand the way we think, are the people who were metwith initial and often violent rejections. People like Martin Luther King, Jr., like Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, or even Jesus Christ. These people did notlet rejection define them. They let their own reactionafter rejection define themselves. And they embraced rejection.

And we don't have to be those peopleto learn about rejection, and in my case, rejection was my curse, was my boogeyman. It has bothered me my whole lifebecause I was running away from it. Then I started embracing it. I turned that intothe biggest gift in my life. I started teaching peoplehow to turn rejections into opportunities. I use my blog, I use my talk, I use the book I just published, and I'm even building technology to helppeople overcome their fear of rejection.

When you get rejected in life, when you are facing the next obstacle or next failure, consider the possibilities. Don't run. If you just embrace them, they might become your gifts as well.

Thank you.

但是， 当我教完那堂课，我是哭着走出来的， 因为我发现， 我可以实现人生理想，只需要开口请求。 而原本我以为，要实现理想，要先达到许多标准—— 比如成为杰出的创业者，或者成为博士才能教书—— 并不是，我只要开口请求， 我就能教书。 在这张照片里，可能大家看不到， 我援引了马丁·路德·金的话， 为什么？因为我发现那些改变了世界的人， 改变了我们生活方式和思维方式的人， 都是那些遭到开始的拒绝，甚至暴力拒绝的人。 比如马丁·路德·金， 圣雄甘地，尼尔森·曼德拉， 甚至耶稣基督。 这些人没有让拒绝定义自己， 而是用被拒绝后的行动定义了自己。 他们拥抱拒绝。 要了解拒绝，我们不需要成为这些人， 以我为例， 拒绝曾是我的诅咒， 曾是我的梦魔。 它困扰了我一生，因为我曾经不敢面对它。 然后我开始拥抱它。 把它转变为我人生中最大的礼物。 我开始教别人如何把拒绝变成机会。 用我的博客，我的演讲， 用我刚刚出版的书， 我还发展科技，来帮助人们克服被拒绝的恐惧。 当你在人生中遭到拒绝， 当你面对下一个障碍， 或下一次失败， 想想以下这个可能： 不要逃跑。 如果你拥抱它们， 它们也可能成为你的礼物。 谢谢大家。

 

参考：TED演讲｜被拒的100天 （What I learned from 100 days of rejection） 

参考：What I learned from 100 days of rejection

参考：他用“被拒100天”实验克服了“碰壁恐惧症”What I learned from 100 days of rejection